Tonight will be my first New Years Eve alone in I don't know how long. Well, human company that is. I have my fur pal Mr Tiggs always being my faithful companion. Years ago the idea of me being alone on New Years Eve would have horrified and embarrassed me. I'm sure I would have been sad. Not this year. I am quite content with my being solo. I choose to be alone. Ironically I'm a four minute walk to Times Square where thousands of people wait (hours) to ring in the New Year.
When I was in my twenties I had many New Years eves that I drank to excess and was with people I didn't particularly like because that's what I thought you had to do. I thought If you didn't you were looked on as pathetic. I'd spend the next morning barfing my guts up while looking like a wildebeest and then having a two day hangover. Fun it wasn't, but wasn't that what I was supposed to do. When I got married, my ex husband and I had our New Years ritual. We would order a pizza and drink two bottles (sometimes three) of champagne. That was perfect. I continued that ritual with my now ex squeeze. I may still have gotten hangovers but my barfing days were over.. I never looked back.
2018 was a year of loss and change. I lost my much too young big brother to Leukemia, my sister and a dear friend are fighting the monster known as cancer. I had family estrangements, the break up of a long term relationship and me moving into new digs. Right after, I got a torn retina and I'm still blurry eyed three weeks later. I was stressed, the cat was stressed, which only made me more stressed. After a little over a month I am finally settling into my apartment and taking deep breaths and trying to live in the moment.
2018 was also a wonderful year. I started a classic movie podcast. I made a couple of amazing friends. and reconnected with an old pal. I talked to interesting people and laughed a lot (I cried a lot too). I even got engaged to ED Asner..hA! I had no major health problems. I am open to all people and I have grown a lot. I really don't care what people think of me. They don't know me. If they know me and still don't like me, what can you do. It is very freeing. I've been able to get out of the city to enjoy country living. I'm not a shoes and socks person so walking barefoot on the grass is like heaven . I also made friends with the birds, the chipmunks, the squirrels, the rabbits and especially my pals the groundhogs.
I guess my point is we all have horrible rotten days (even years). On the other hand we have great days, great moments., great memories. I so much appreciate the small things in life. I have learned to let go of objects I just don't need and people that I love but because of their negativity I just can't deal with them. Their negativity cuts into my soul. I've accepted the fact that a sibling has chosen to cut all of his family off. I can't change that. I may feel hurt but I accept it and move on.
I am not miss groovy sunshine day. A saint I aint..I get mad and swear like a sailor. If I see someone picking on someone I want to tell them off and not in the most ladylike way. I blow up but it passes quickly. I get mad and hurt by people in my life and sometimes instead of telling them, I can let it fester, only hurting myself.I get sad days where I want to pull the blanket up over me and block out the world. I get overly critical of myself, saying unkind things that I would never ever say to another human being. Sometimes I feel fat, when I'm not even close to overweight. As wonderful as new beginnings are I also get scared. New beginnings are different now then when I was younger. I'm a lot smarter and have seen so much through my two blue eyes (even though one is now blurry). Will I become a crazy cat lady and block out the world. I think I was a hermit in my last life. Will NYC peeps call the cops when I start doing the hermit yodel..It's all a big question mark , but isn't that the case for all of our lives??
But today, this second I feel great and contented. I smile as I write this. I promise myself I'll eat right. Living alone I'm too lazy to cook for myself. Kraft macaroni and cheese is just a three minute microwave away. I'll be kinder to myself. and embrace my new start with excitement. Thats how I feel right this moment. How I'll feel tomorrow I can't predict, I can't predict how I'll feel in an hour for that matter. I'm just going with it, good, bad, sad and ugly. I'll also embrace the fun, the moments of joy and the feeling of contentment. I'll even burp.and make myself laugh. My cat will still be my solo audience of me singing and choreographing songs. He loves my singing, and no, he's not deaf. I'm very happy to be alive.
I wish for all of us to be kinder and more accepting of people with differing opinions or a different color skin, religion and sexual orientation. Cliche but true. WE are all in this together and nobody gets out alive.
Happy New Year to all. I wish you all a healthy and happy 2019. Acts of kindness are free and you can make a persons day., week or even life..
To those that may be alone tonight and feel sad about it, you aren't alone. I toast to you and wish you peace and a wonderful 2019. After all, it's only a night.